You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You smell like stripper and shame
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
