I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
