People in love make me want to vomit
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
