my shit smells like andre
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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