Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
