Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize