The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
