I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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