my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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