This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
