Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
