She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
