Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
