He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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