I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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