Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
