btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
