if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
