I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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