I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
