The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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