Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
