my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
