So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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