girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
