I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
