grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
