I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
