I just pynch a tree in the face
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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