I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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