Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
