I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
