put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
