Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
