I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
