Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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