I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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