dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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