dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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