Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
