it hurts more in the daytime
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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