Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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