apparently the secret to your success is patron
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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