Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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