two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
