Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
