i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
