I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
