Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
