I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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