I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
