Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
