You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
