if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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